Rebel Dad: the stay-at-home dad revolution, online

More Books: The Baby Bonding Book for Dads

2008-05-08T19:28:00.002-04:00

So this is turning out to be book review month around here. Increasingly, book publishers have begun sending me books about fatherhood (or parenthood more generally) in the hopes that I'll a) read 'em and b) give 'em a glowing review, thereby making back in free publicity the couple of Hamiltons spent sending me the book. The latest to try that gambit is the nice folks behind the Baby Bonding Book for Dads, which is a brief and gorgeously photographed book about, um, baby bonding for dads.

The book weighs in at less than 100 pages, and it seems to be mostly a delivery mechanism for the photos of dads and babies, which make even the act of being peed on seem somehow luminous. The text is nothing particularly revolutionary -- good, solid advice that will make perfect sense to anyone who has been through the whole baby thing before.

I'm at a loss of where this book fits, exactly, in the fatherhood canon. It's not at all tongue-in-cheek. It's not practical on the level of a lot of the literature out there. The overriding message (fatherhood is natural and fulfilling) is not particularly novel, though presented beautifully. So my overarching conclusion -- and I'll come back to this in posts to come -- is that the book assumes that there is a certain level of interest in the nuts-and-bolts of fatherhood. The existence a demographic group -- of dads, would-be dads and the people who love them -- who are in the market for a glossy-paged celebration of new fatherhood is nothing but a good thing.

800-FLOWERS Quietly Acknowledges Mr. Mom Stupidity

2008-05-05T09:46:00.002-04:00

Mother's Day is right around the corner. This is both a public service announcement and a chance to congratulate Peter Baylies on spearheading a campaign to get 800-FLOWERS to change their Mother's Day contest, which asked web surfers to vote on their favorite mom archetype. Among the choices: "Mr. Mom."

This is stupid not only on the usual knee-jerk level around here (men who parent aren't moms. They're not "Mr. Moms." They're fathers, dammit), but also on the level of common sense: "Mr. Moms" do not celebrate Mother's Day, and to give involved dads a piece of that holiday is silly and insulting to moms. So Peter's been posting about this, and 800-FLOWERS has quietly replaced "Mr. Mom" with "Office Mom." Nice work, Peter.

Penelope Trunk: Where to Start?

2008-05-01T19:24:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Joeprah, I just read Brazen Careerist Penelope Trunk's bizarre/unfair/sad post, provocatively titled: "Guest post: What life�s really like for a stay-at-home dad."

I'd summarize it here, but I just can't do it justice. You'll have to read it. Suffice it to say that for the first time, Penelope hands her blog over to someone anonymously, and that at-home husband proceeds to out himself as:

An adulterer
A chauvinist
A guy who has been repeatedly propositioned as a SAHD
Pretty self-centered ("I can pretty much do what I want to do")

If I had to pick four traits of the at-home dads I've encountered in my life (and that's a pretty big number), these are probably the four *last* traits I'd list. Also suspect: the kids are mentioned only in passing. But Penelope praises this guy for "because he is more honest with me about his life than any other stay-at-home dad I know."

In response to what was a firestorm of criticism in the comments section, Penelope then tried to dig herself out of her hole by pointing out the questions the piece was supposed to raise, but this only gets her in deeper. Among the queries:

"Is being a stay-at-home dad any different than the life that Betty Friedan and Sylvia Plath worked so hard to get away from?"
"Is the world really ready for stay-at-home dads? Will the world ever be ready?"
"Why is the world not talking about the downside of being a stay-at-home dad?"
"Do women respect their stay-at-home husbands? ... respect takes a huge effort and a lot of mental tricks."
"Why do women hit on stay-at-home dads?"

Knocking these questions down, point-by-point, would be a wonderfully cathartic exercise for me, but a 2,000-word waste of time for you, the reader.

In short, these are all bogus questions that are clearly born of a hostility toward at-home dads. In the blogosphere, I try to refrain from ad hominem attacks, but you can't but wonder, given Penelope's high-profile divorce from her at-home dad husband, coupled with her dim view of the impact of the arrangement on their marriage, if this post was more a personal vent than a reasonable exploration of the topic.

[Full disclosure: I happen to love Penelope's blog and her sometimes-contrarian thoughts on work and career, and I have swapped various e-mails with her on the topic of at-home fatherhood. (Though I have never said "interview me" and in fact have cautioned her "at-home gig -- despite what it may seem from reading my blog -- isn't for everyone.") I honestly wish her the best of luck with her family and her career.]

Cross-Promotion: Dads and the 'Endgame'

2008-05-01T10:11:00.001-04:00

Over at On Balance, I wrote today about the sudden avalanche of stories about the transition from at-home dad back into the paying workforce, questioning whether -- as is sometimes implied -- this is more an at-home dad phenomenon than an at-home mom one. Feel free to surf over there and leave your thoughts.

Book Review Time: "Opting In"

2008-04-30T20:49:00.002-04:00

So I was lucky enough to get my hands on a new book about motherhood called Opting In by a really bright feminist named Amy Richards. Amy and I have touched base intermittently over the years on a number of topics, and though I usually dread the spring arrival of the how-to-be-a-good-mother books (see Hirshman, Linda or Flanagan, Caitlin), I was looking forward to seeing Amy's effort.

Now Opting In is unquestionable aimed at moms (just like 95 percent of the other literature out there) but what sets the book apart, at least from my point of view, is that she spends a chapter looking at how dads plug into the whole motherhood/parenthood thing. It's clear that Amy has spent more time thinking about this than any other writer on the topic of motherhood. Indeed, most of the discussions of modern motherhood just skip over dad altogether and therefore make no sense to me. It's not that dads are lionized or vilified in these hot-button books and magazines. They're just ignored. Which is weird.

So Amy has tackled the question of how to build an equitable home life, and despite the book cover's promise that she'll "reveal ...how to confidently forge your own path," she's pretty light on prescriptions when it comes to dads around the house. She hits all the major points: the need for multiple family models, the need for clear expectations in a marriage, the gulf between what society defines as a good dad and what moms actually need, marriage contracts, learned incompetence, etc.

But when it comes times for grand summaries, there's not much to be found. Fatherhood is in such flux right now, it seems hard for Amy to make definitive statements about what mothers or fathers should do. This is not a flaw: I can't offer any solid suggestions either. 50-50 parenting works for some families and not for others. Having dad a little more involve is viable in some cases, having mom as the primary caretaker works in other. There's no one-size-fits-all solution, and Amy is to be commended for not offering one.

The big change we need is still the big-picture one: dads must be viewed (and view themselves) as equally capable of childrearing and equally responsible for the kids. That doesn't (always) mean splitting everything right down the middle, but it *is* a pretty good starting place.

(For the record, this is only one chapter of the book. The rest of it reads wonderfully, too, but I really can't/shouldn't pontificate on the rest of it ...)

WaPo on At-Home Dads and the 'Endgame'

2008-04-30T16:15:00.001-04:00

The Washington Post, in the past five years or so, has run not less than three first-person pieces about at-home dads. This is an impressive record, and the latest of these is well-worth the read. A guy named Mark Trainer penned a piece a couple of weeks ago about his move to at-home fatherhood and his musing about how and when the at-home part of his life could end. Or should end. It's well worth the read.

Trainer is apparently also working on a book of short stories called "Bad Daddies." I'm as curious as can be about that one ...

The Parenting Manifesto Meme Lives On

2008-04-27T17:08:00.001-04:00

A little more than a year ago, I launched what is probably my favorite rebeldad.com project: I encouraged readers here and at On Balance to send along how-to parenting guides of 500 words or less, and I gathered the responses I received on my manifesto page (which still makes for great reading if you haven't visited).

Well, Reuters jumped on the bandwagon, enthusiastically if belatedly, running this piece by Christopher Noxon. Like all of the manifestos, there's wisdom to be mined:

Never underestimate the importance of blood sugar. Obstinacy, unruliness or brattiness are often rooted less in deep disfunction or your in-law's bad genetic heritage than the time elapsed since the last pretzel. Snack often.

I'm always happy to update the list of manifestos, so feel free to try your hand.

Big Sky Dads?

2008-04-27T12:57:00.002-04:00

My wife sometimes laughs at me when we travel, since I've run into -- physically or virtually -- dads from almost everywhere. We're taking a quick trip to Montana this week so that she can guest lecture at the University of Montana, and I realized that I don't think I've ever heard from a Montana dad. Any great blogs for the blogroll that I'm missing? Groups for the map?

(All I've found is Mike Warren's page, a realtor in Missoula who used to be an at-home dad ...)

Deeper Thoughts on 'Flying Solo'

2008-04-24T09:35:00.003-04:00

I'm going to step away from the at-home dad stuff for a moment and think some work-life balance thoughts. I wrote for my On Balance column this week about handling things when my wife is away on work. It was an honest question, and I expected to get (and did get) some blowback from the "quit-whining" contingent.

But as I think about it, I wondered if the reason the topic is on my mind is that we have a household where we both contribute. One of us leaves, and there's a hole to fill. I guess not every family operates like that -- if one parent does the heavy lifting when it comes to the kids/cleaning/food/etc., then it's no big deal if their spouse disappears. I have to broaden my horizons.

The Post (Maybe) the the Daddy's Home Comic

2008-04-23T22:09:00.003-04:00

So I've now mocked the new comic strip Daddy's Home in every forum available to me (all two of them), so I should probably forward along a link to the Washington Post discussion with the strip's creator. He is shocked -- shocked -- at the tiny amount of criticism he's heard (including some from Gene Weingarten, who has become a) the world's authority on comics and b) a Pulitzer Prize winner. If Gene ever told me I was without humor, I'd never dare crack another joke).

Anyway ... key quote:

More and more men are becoming stay-at-home Dads. That is only trending upward. And, in my opinion, there really isn't any other comic out there that speaks to that accurately, and is funny at the same time.

Sadly, even with Daddy's Home, there still isn't a comic that fits that description. Except maybe Adam @ Home.

Rocking the Red

2008-04-22T20:53:00.004-04:00

I fully intended to take a couple of minutes to post tonight. But I'm too busy watching the collision of Pennsylvania and Washington, DC. (No, not Obama and Clinton and the primary.) Posting to resume as soon as I catch my breath. Needless to say, it would have been nice if Martin Biron had taken a full 12 weeks of paternity leave.

UPDATE: OK, during the intermission, I was able to place two more groups on the maps page. Both are in Illinois. As always, if you have a group/MeetUp/playground that's not on the map, let me know.

I Want My MTV

2008-04-21T21:09:00.002-04:00

In the what-are-SAHDs-doing-when-they're-not-with-the-kids department, I need to mention that punk bassist, blogger and at-home dad extraordinaire Greg Barbera's band, the Chest Pains, made it to MTV, getting some airtime during the finale of "Rob and Big." Congrats, Greg ...

Can You Tell Arial from Cinderella from 20 Feet Away?

2008-04-21T10:01:00.002-04:00

My soul-searching aside, there are still plenty of items out there that suggest that society is moving in the right direction in terms of acknowledging that dads are parents, too.

This week's installment is DisneyDads, a Disney-sponsored review site for Disney movies by dads who work at, um, Disney. I dare not speculate on whether the reviews are at all meaningful, but it's little things like this that send the subtle message: dads are perfectly engaged in the whole kid thing and are not in the least afraid of talking about Little House on the Prairie.

(via DaddyTypes, who has a healthy skepticism of all things Disney)

Questioning the Media Swoon Over At-Home Dads

2008-04-19T22:27:00.002-04:00

Back online after a brief family vacations and a here-and-there workweek. There's a pile of stuff to get through (stay tuned), but I wanted to start with this:

A week ago, I penned my washingtonpost.com posting on my Today Show experience and how I felt uncomfortable about the at-home-dad centric approach that they took. Don't get me wrong, I don't think Lauer and Co. did anything wrong (other than using "Mr. Mom" on the website), and I was thrilled that Aaron Rochlen got some national exposure. The taped piece on the Austin dads was pretty standard, but exceptionally well done. (And included the best quote I've ever heard on whether at-home fatherhood is more emasculating than paid work: "I've never thought there was anything particularly manly about sitting in front of a computer all day.")

But I'm beginning to wonder if the best sign that at-home dads are a real and accepted and meaningful part of society is a *lack* of attention. Maybe I've been staring at this too long, but I think that dads are perfectly good at childrearing, and I don't get a jolt anymore when the media treats this as something to report breathlessly.

I'm torn. I want the guys on the front lines to get all the support possible, but I have to be public about this (even though it calls into question the raison d'etre of large chunks of this blog): should I be jazzed about at-home dads continuing to be treated like minorities (even celebrated ones) in the media?

10 Reasons Not to Take Parenting Advice from Pseudo-Celebrities

2008-04-08T20:24:00.001-04:00

Jason from Daddy in a Strange Land sent me over a most remarkable link. It's Bachelor star Ryan Sutter's "10 Things You Don't Know about Dads." It's clearly meant to demonstrate that dads have a caring side, but don't check their masculinity at the entrance to the obstetrics ward. But it instead has the effect of suggesting instead that dads are jerks.

Pretending that you kid's diaper isn't full of poop so you can pawn off the diaper change is not cool. Ever.

Shooting. And Shooting Blanks.

2008-04-08T08:21:00.000-04:00

Because this is the foremost site for vasectomy news, you ought to know that in part of India, the ol' snip-snip will get you a gun permit. There is apparently an underlying logic there: the macho culture is rampant and vasectomies are rare because it's seen as not so manly.

Apparently, this is a good deal 'round those parts:

The results are impressive: 139 men have undergone vasectomies in the district since the incentive of a firearms permit was introduced a month ago, compared with only eight in 2007.

Me? I'd have settled for the pizza.

TV Star Needed

2008-04-07T16:35:00.002-04:00

"Inside Edition" is looking to talk to an at-home dad (a real at-home dad, not me), and it would be particularly convenient if they were near NYC or LA. E-mail me at rebeldad@gmail.com if you're interested.

Hubbies and Housework: Glass Half-Full?

2008-04-06T14:43:00.002-04:00

Man, I try to stay the heck away from the housework stuff, partly because I'm just not sure that it has direct relevance to the bigger issues of fatherhood and partly because its just not something that I do a particularly good job with, personally.

But I figure I ought to flag new research from the University of Michigan that charts the amount of housework that men and women are doing and compares that to figures from three decades ago. Depending on your point of this, the results are either good news on the gender-equity front or proof that guys are still nowhere close to where we need to be.

The press release takes the dim view, noting in the first sentence that "having a husband creates an extra seven hours of housework for women," which is clearly *not* cool. But looking at the stats shows that married women are doing a lot less cleaning up than they were doing 30 years ago (17 hours a week, down from 26) and men are doing a lot more (13 hours a week, up from 6). And guys are increasingly doing more housework once married than they did when they were single.

What's the conclusion when you shake all of this out? I have no idea, beyond my firm belief that 13 hours of housework is still too much. For anyone.

This Is Your Brain. This Is Your Brain on Live TV.

2008-04-04T12:53:00.003-04:00

According to Andy Warhol, I still have about 11 minutes and 30 seconds of fame left, and I've spent a bit of time thinking about how I spent my first 3 minutes and change.

In retrospect, there are two things I would have really liked to have sneaked into the discussion on Wednesday:

The At-Home Dad Convention is a kick, and if you're an at-home dad or considering the leap, it's well worth your time to consider the trip (this year, to Sacramento)

You do not need to be an at-home dad to put your family first. I am a go-to-work dad. I work for a great company that expects a exceptional work but allows me to get there on my own terms. This gets lost sometimes because rebeldad.com started with an at-home dad focus and remains pretty engaged in the issue. I applaud all the at-home dads out there. But I also applaud any father who demands a work environment that allows the pursue of work-family balance.

Dads (and Rebel Dad) on Today This Morning

2008-04-02T10:58:00.002-04:00

Still trying to get my head around the Today Show bit today, and there's not much to say beyond a) it's all a blur, b) Aaron Rochlen is a super-nice guy with interesting childhood friends, and c) Renee Zellweger is tiny in person. Beyond that, I have to send you to the videotape:

Welcome Today Show Viewers

2008-04-02T08:20:00.001-04:00

First-time visitors who want to get a feel for what gets discussed here are more than welcome to comb through the archives (at right). If you like what you see, consider subscribing to the site via RSS. (Click for MyYahoo, IGoogle, MyAOL or Bloglines).

At-home dads looking to connect with neighbors should check out the dad group/playgroup map. Those looking for a more virtual community are encouraged to check out athomedad.org.

If you want the skinny on at-home dad numbers, I've gathered all that I can find on the stats page.

Those looking for other resources on at-home dads should check out my best-of-the-bunch roundup of dad media.

If you've come seeking parenting advice, I can do no better than to point you to the Parenting Manifesto Project, in which I solicited manifestos of 500 words or less on parenting from readers. The responses are truly extraordinary.

If you're looking for more on work-life balance, please check out the Washington Post's On Balance blog. I contribute every Thursday.

Mark Your Calendars for Dadstock

2008-04-01T07:30:00.000-04:00

On June 28, the second annual Dadstock will kick off in Wisconsin. Unlike the wonderful At-Home Dad Convention, which hold as its goals fellowship among dads and an opportunity to hone parenting skills (with the beer just being an added bonus), Dadstock appears to hold as its goals fellowship among dads and an opportunity to drink lots of beer and maybe play with chainsaws. So it's worth checking out, QED.

(Plus, I love the logo with the bottle and the "A couple of hours of peace and quiet.")

The Amazing Shifting Census Numbers

2008-03-31T19:01:00.002-04:00

So for a long time I've been tracking one of the Census Bureau's measures of dad involvement: the number of children of employed moms who are cared for by fathers. It's not an "at-home dad" number, per se, but it's not a bad proxy. During prep for our Today Show segment on Wednesday, Aaron Rochlen stumbled on another apparent update on the number.

The number that has always interested me is the "Primary Child Care Arrangements of Preschoolers with Employed Mothers," which has bounced around a bit and not been a reliable piece of evidence showing more and more involved dads. I found at least three different numbers for the same stat in the same data release, so I'm not quite sure what to make of it. But for your number-crunching pleasure, here are the stats for the percentage of kids under 5 being cared for by dad while mom works as measured in spring 2005:

25 percent (press release)
18. 2 percent (detailed table 2b)
17.2 percent ("historical table")

Confused? Good. Because if you'll remember, the Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics put out the same dataset (the 2005 SIPP numbers) last year, and they concluded that 17.3 percent of preschoolers with employed moms were being watched by dad. As far as I can tell, this is all apples-to-apples, so I have no idea why we have the variation.

Do the discrepancies matter? Not to me. That's still a lot of kids being watched by a lot of dads. But if you understand demographics generally -- or the SIPP in particular -- and can explain it, I'm all ears.

(As always, the catalog of dad stats is available here.)

Dr. Kyle Pruett on Video on the Importance of Dads

2008-03-31T06:13:00.000-04:00

If you were ever asked to give a 90-second answer to the question of "why are dads important?" you couldn't possibly do better than Yale's Kyle Pruett does here during an excerpt from documentarian Dana Glazer's wonderful "Evolution of Dad" project: